The Top 15 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa

15> Tremendous upsurge in sales of 3-D Christmas cards.

14> Over the fireplace -- Fishnet stockings with garters.

13> Wanna sit on Santa's lap? You gotta be 18 and sign a release.

12> New non-androgynous "Elves" required to be at least 5"11" tall and list turn-ons/turn-offs on application.

11> Santa still looks like a dirty old man, but MRS. Claus -- Whoa, Baby!

10> Carols with references to "gay apparel" become suddenly pointless.

9> Hugh's workload increased to one day a year.

8> Those battery-operated toys under the tree ain't for the kiddies.

7> Milk and cookie replaced with silk and nookie.

6> Finally get rid of that tired old red suit for the timeless look of paisley pajamas.

5> Christmas Eve no longer the only night Santa goes around the world.

4> "Madonna and Child" replaced with -- hey, wait a minute...

3> Sure, it's the "Nutcracker Suite," but there's not a pecan, walnut or almond to be found.

2> Vixen in leather muzzle on your rooftop is actually Anna Nicole Smith.

and the Number 1 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa...

1> Better get a second carrot for Frosty.