The Top 14 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts

14> Shaves head and beard, insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."

13> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.

12> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.

11> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.

10> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"

9> Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.

8> "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"

6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.

5> That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.

4> Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"

3> When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.

2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.

and the Number 1 Sign the Santa at the Mall is Nuts...

1> While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is scaring the hell out of the kiddies.