The Top 15 Ways to Get a Jump on the Holiday Season

15> Be the *first* person in 1997 to mass-forward that naughty version of the "Night Before Christmas" to everyone on the planet with an e-mail account.

14> Shop door-to-door in a Santa suit with an empty sack and a .38 Special.

13> Spend the weekend drunk on egg nog and weeping to "It's a Wonderful Life" just to get it over with.

12> E-mail apologies in advance for your behavior at the upcoming office holiday party.

11> Send away now for your blowup Janet Reno before she resigns and they become collectors' items.

10> That perfect holiday pick-me-up: hot cocoa and amphetamines!

9> Send out that bid on the mistletoe contract for the Army Drill Seargents' Christmas party.

8> Make sure Gore can handle things for a few hours, then declare a state of emergency at Victoria's Secret and do some "personal shopping."

7> Put the Suicide Prevention Hotline in your speed dial to avoid a repeat of last year's drunken New Year's Eve 411 fiasco.

6> This year, spatulas for everyone!

5> Inject lard directly into ass, thus bypassing lengthy digestive processes.

4> Just sit back, turn on the Home Shopping Network, and order the next 20 or 30 items.

3> Practice co-dependent passive-agressive guilt-projecting behavior so you'll be ready for round one of the annual Family Feud.

2> Exchange "favors" with the Wal-Mart cart-boy to get inside info on when the Brut Holiday Gift Sets arrive.

and the Number 1 Way to Get a Jump on the Holiday Season...

1> Address box to Miss Pamela Anderson, scrawl "I want you bak huney, (singed) Tommy Lee", add *lots* of postage, strip nude except for Santa hat, climb in, seal firmly from inside, and wait.