The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Flee Your Country

16> For your birthday, everyone gets you the same present: a monogrammed blindfold and a cigarette.

15> Al Cowlings pulls up in your Bronco with your passport and fake beard.

14> Posted Holiday Inn rates in capital city: One night, $49.00; two nights, $98.00; from now until the Right Hand of Death rains fire and destruction on this hellhole of deceit and ends your pathetic life in the bloodiest of coups, $147.00.

13> The new flag? Your face with a big red slash across it.

12> After the bullet grazes your forehead, you realize this "Banana Republic photo shoot" is not what you expected.

11> Life insurance company informs you that "death by firing squad" and "mob lynching" now fall under their Act of God exclusions.

10> International press starts saying "brutal dictator" like it's a bad thing.

9> You see the writing on the wall. In fact, it's on every wall in the capital.

8> The Palace Guards' new salute employs only one finger.

7> That flaming tire hanging from your neck is starting to chafe.

6> National Deficit: 24 billion. Wife's shoe bill: 24 billion.

5> Two words: President Limbaugh.

4> The guy who tastes your food has hired a guy to taste his food.

3> In recent election: 3 votes for you to remain in power; 21,459,216 votes to cover your remains with ox manure.

2> Your only hope for victory? The French Army.

and the Number 1 Sign It's Time to Flee Your Country...

1> Simply can't rely on that goober husband of yours to come through with a presidential pardon.