In The News...

Chelsea's going to college. It's surprising because most of us thought the member of the Clinton family going away for four years would be Hillary. -- David Letterman

Archaeologists believe they've found the Queen Anne's Revenge captained by Blackbeard in a North Carolina inlet. "is this the definition of irony or what? A pirate ship is discovered and Senate hearings exposing the IRS begin the same week." (Bob Mills)

The Air Force has suspended training flights. "The situation is so bad, the cosmonauts aboard the Mir are now telling Air Force jokes." (Argus Hamilton)

"Steven Seagal says a local militia group in Montana has threatened him over the movie about a militia he is making there and asked the FBI to investigate," says the Olympia Daily World. "'We don't want to stop his film,' claims one militia member. 'We just want him to stop his singing.'"