Socking New Study Reveals...

Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High

The National Institute of Health released the results of a controversial new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to sitting around and getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year survey of drug use among Americans, also suggests a possible connection between marijuana and getting baked off your ass.

"We have found that where there's marijuana," explained Institute spokesperson Roger Krell, "there's also a good chance of finding stoners on a couch passing around a bong." Krell added that in such situations, "There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some chips, usually Ruffles."

Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between marijuana and Pink Floyd's The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the album rules. "There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album," he said. "Especially side two."

Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. "Getting high is the least of marijuana's uses," said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For Victory. "The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting alternative to gasoline." Henner then admitted he was "seriously wasted, dude."

According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is cool. "That's really the cool age to do drugs," said U.S. Drug Czar Bertrand Seaver. "When you're young, that's the thing to do. In fact, studies show that teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be accepted by the in kids."

While there is virtually unanimous agreement that drug use among young people is cool, most experts say older people who still do drugs are losers. "A young person who does drugs is healthy and normal," said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. "But if a guy's like 45, and he's still getting high, it's pretty bogus."

Marijuana, known by users as "pot," may also enhance sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this link, however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had limited exposure to members of the opposite sex. But should they encounter the rare subgroup "stoner chicks," Krell added, "it would be totally awesome."

So far, the study has met with formal protest from the Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, which claimed the findings to be terribly inaccurate, noting that no mention was made of marijuana's known tendency to "make users think they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on that one episode of Quincy, as well as its tendency to induce demonic possession, homicidal rampages, and homosexuality."