The Top 15 Network TV Gimmicks for "Sweeps" Week

15. Star Trek: Voyager - the crew faces off against an androgynous, pasty-faced alien. Guest stars Michael Jackson.

14. On Baywatch, the gang goes uncovered to track down a graffiti artist at a nude beach.

13. This week on ER, Pauley Shore chokes to death on a tofu burrito.

12. On Star Trek TNG, hilarity ensues as Heaven's Gate members hitch a ride on the wrong spaceship.

11. Martha Stewart Special, "Nipple Clips From Recycled Aluminum Cans."

10. Katie Couric to be fitted with device that sends 220 volts through her tiny frame every time she smiles.

9. Bob Barker guest stars on a very special Frasier: "Eddie Gets Neutered."

8. Every time Dan Rather says the word "Whitewater," he has to do a shot of tequila and remove an item of clothing.

7. NBC hires new spokesperson, Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, and changes its slogan to "Must See TV, Or Else."

6. Another sweeps week, another NYPD Blue shot of Sipowicz's hairy ass.

5. New women's pro basketball league exhibition game on Fox to be played shirts vs. skins.

4. NBC News introduces new Whitehouse correspondent, Flowers the Sad Clown.

3. Brooke Shields astounds everyone by announcing she's a thespian.

2. Debut of new cop series, "T.V. Hooker", starring William Shatner and Eddie Murphy.

and the Number 1 Network TV Gimmick for "Sweeps" Week...

1. "...and now, the ABC Evening News with Jenny McCarthy."