In The News...

The tobacco industry is now willing to accept cigarette packs with warnings such as "Smoking Kills." "How about, 'Thank You For Not Suing'?" suggests Jenny Church.

"According to the latest figures, the unemployment rate is so low there is a worker shortage," says Jay Leno. "to show you how desperate businesses are for workers, today somebody actually hired a history major."

Congressman Joseph P. Kennedy II is trying to annul his 12-year-marriage while his brother Michael is in trouble for an affair with an underage girl. "They say the Kennedys are America's royal family," says Argus Hamilton. "Unfortunately, they may be right."

Your Brain On Drugs: "Bad crack sent 25 people in Winterhead, Fla., to the hospital," says Leno. "What exactly is bad crack? Does bad crack some-how violate the strict quality control checks that most drug dealers have?"