Fitness Sucks

Well here I lay in my hospital bed. A victim of a work related accident...well sort of. It seems that I was working in a new building assigned to loading software into our new switch. I was getting hungry so I decided to find out where our new breakroom was and possibly get something to eat. I found the breakroom way in the back of the building. Upon entering I found that there was one of those new areobic runner types of things in the corner. You know one of those things on the informercials where everyone has a glued on smile on their face as they burn off the pounds. "It's so much fun" is what you keep hearing as they continue to sweat like a turkey in late November. I would never buy one of those I always said to myself and would generally change the channel after a few minutes. Those people are just way to happy for me. How can burning off all those extra triple decker chocolate sundaes be THAT much fun. It did look interesting though. I saw one in a store one time but I refused to get on it for fear of making a fool of myself. This was one of those machines that you stand up in. You place your feet inside these holders and then you are suspended about six inches off of the ground. You then are suppose to swing your legs back and forth without bending your knees. So that it looks like a giant has picked you up off the ground by the back of your shirt and you are swinging your legs trying to get away.

So there it was in the corner saying "try me". Hey, I don't need to try you I thought. I go to the gym 6 times a week. I'm an iron pumper I thought. Areobic machines are for sissies. It can't be that much fun. Can it? I looked around and back outside the door of the breakroom...nobody. Well let's see how much fun it really is. I stepped into the foot holders. Wow this thing is balanced. I'm suspended here and I'm totally balanced. I swung my left foot forward while simultaneously swinging my right foot back. I then did the opposite. Wow this is kind of fun. I started speeding up my pace. This is cool I thought. I kept swinging away for a few minutes. Okay that's enough, I don't need to break into a sweat here at work. Hey, I work hard enough as it is. I stopped and returned my feet back to the neutral position. This thing isn't so bad after all. I mean I would still never buy one but it was better than jogging down the highway dodging barking dogs and breathing exhaust fumes. I stood there still for a moment and then I thought how can this thing be so balanced. What if, instead of swinging my legs in opposite directions I swung them both in the same direction? What if I swung them both in front of me at the same time? Have you ever done something and had a light go off in your head a milli-second afterwards? A bright red light, blinking at full intensity, saying DANGER, DANGER...and then you realize maybe you just had a BAD idea. Well that's what happened to me as I proceeded to swing both legs forward. I smacked the leg stopper on the machine but only after I was already 45 degrees over. I instantly tried to catch myself and bent forward at the waist to regain my balance. I then came back and passed through the neutral position...at about 100mph and then found myself flying forward. I smacked the back stoppers with the same intensity of a piano dropping out of a third story window. I broke the stoppers as I continued my plunge over the front out the machine. I put out my hands to catch myself but somehow only managed to grab the front stoppers as I continued my decent on terra firma. I landed on my head and the machine seeing, the need to balance the bruises landed on the back of my head, knocking me unconscious and spraining my back in the process. I awoke to the blinding light of a doctor checking my eyes to see if they would still diulate. "He's awake now" he said as he turned to my friends waiting at my bedside.

I guess those things will help you lose weight. I won't be going to the breakroom anymore when I'm hungry.