In The News...

The Small Screen: "Geraldo Rivera and his brother planned to sail into the Bermuda Triangle over the weekend," says Jimmy McConnell. "Boy, there's a National Enquirer head-line waiting to happen."

The US Army is lowering its standards for new recruits. It has a new recruiting poster, says Paul Steinberg. "'Be All That You Can Be... Even If That Isn't Much.'"

Another new slogan is, "'If you can't read this, we want you." (Leno)

The US Postal Service has introduced the first triangular stamps. "Sounds fine," says the Daily Scoop. "We are just worried about those postal workers who, how shall we say it, don't react to change very well."

In new guidelines for schools, the US Department of Education says that when a 6-year-old pecks a classmate on the cheek, it is not sexual harassment. "However, say the guidelines, the kissee is free to call the kisser a 'doo-doo head.'" (Scoop)

Time magazine reports New York City is making a big comeback. Its poll says 50% of New Yorkers wouldn't live anywhere else. "The terms of their probation don't allow it," Hamilton explains.

Around the House: "The House of Representatives held a hearing on cloning this week," says Argus Hamilton. "You can't make this stuff up. During the floor debate, 400 white guys in blue suits and red ties announced they want to ban cloning."

"People are very upset about reports that China tried to buy US Congressmen," says Jay Leno. "Why are you worried about this? Look at all the money we give Congress every year and they've never done anything for us. All of a sudden these guys are gonna start doing something for the money they're getting? Don't worry, it's not gonna happen."

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn., is now offering college classes, says Leno. "The best part is, if you flunk out, you can just walk across to the food court and start your job immediately."

The National Organization for Women named the brokerage firm Smith Barney a "merchant of shame" for its discrimination against women, says Perisho. "When contacted, officials from Smith Barney advised reporters, 'Have your girl call my girl.'"

In the News: President Clinton has proposed free TV time for candidates. "Not good," says Paul Ecker. "This could mean Sonny Bono back on television."

Scrutiny of the feud between East and West Coast rappers continues. "It all started over the usual," said the Cutler Daily Scoop: "Who controls what, who insulted whom, whether the theories of Kierkegaard still have relevance..."

Sporting Scene: The NBA's Dennis Rodman's announcement that he will try professional wrestling has caused a stir. "I hope that sport doesn't turn him into some weird spectacle," says Rudolph J. Cecera.