In the news...

U2 kicked off their new tour in New York yesterday, making a surprise appearance at a downtown Kmart. Fellow Irish performer Sinead O'Conner was also on hand, but she works there. -- Norm MacDonald, on SNL

Congress is preparing new legislation designed to ban human cloning. Says Argus Hamilton, "Human clones would be easy to spot in singles bars 20 years from now. They all have the same astrological sign- Pyrex."

Kenneth Starr argued before the Supreme Court this week on behalf of the Hughes Corp. against the Clinton administration. "Next time he visits Pepperdine, Starr should wander over to the law library and learn the meaning of the phrase 'conflict of interest.'" (Daily Scoop)

David Letterman on Bowe: "On the bright side, look at this -- the guy spent 72 hours in a Marine Corps barracks, tying the old record held by Madonna."