The Top 14 Signs You're Too Old to be an Astronaut

14> Your resume includes that job as Strom Thurmond's nanny.

13> You're really looking forward to seeing the Ottoman Empire from space.

12> Your historic moonwalk speech? "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

11> Being on oxygen, wearing a waste bag, and eating pureed vegatables through a straw are old hat to you.

10> Your '96 bid for the presidency didn't quite pan out.

9> You can't remember the last time you experienced lift-off, if you know what I mean.

8> Forget the "Vomit Comet" test plane -- you failed the "turnstile" test.

7> NASA fits you for a spacesuit support bra -- but you're not female.

6> "Houston, we're venting some sort of gas out into space... no wait, it's just me."

5> NASA isn't all that impressed that you already get all your meals from a tube.

4> You can no longer see over the Shuttle steering wheel without your cushion.

3> During take-off you keep yelling, "If you kids don't knock off that racket, I'm turning this thing around and we're going straight home!"

2> Demand that liftoff be delayed because of time conflict with reruns of "Murder, She Wrote" and "Matlock."

and the Number 1 Sign You're Too Old to be an Astronaut...

1> The last time you heard talk of "strange rings around Uranus," it was from your doctor.