The Top 17 Indications Your Fiance Is About To Dump You

17> Now refers to you as "The Dipshit formerly known as Sweetie Pie."

16> She starts spending long weekends with Jason Patric.

15> You ask him to pass the salt and he screams "It's always about *you* and *your* needs, isn't it? YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!"

14> The Bridal Registry includes Jacoby and Meyers.

13> Insists that the wedding date be set *after* President Perot is inaugurated and that the invitations be written in pencil.

12> Well, *somebody* ratted you to the SPCA for your illegal ferret farm.

11> The look on her face when she catches you in her wedding gown lip-synching to ABBA songs.

10> Constant complaining that Wedding date conflicts with Wrestlemania XIX.

9> Engagement ring now being used as nose ring.

8> Can't bring herself to say "wedding" without throwing in "schmedding."

7> Cosmo cover article, "Getting Rid of That Loser," written by you-know-who.

6> Takes you to dinner in U-Haul, asks the band to play "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover," then leaves to "get wallet."

5> Despite his earlier promises, he *does* kick you out of bed for eating crackers.

4> When you ask her to sign the release forms to appear on The Newlywed Game, she says, "Not so fast, Chester!"

3> That ad he's running to sell his old ski boots begins, "If you like pina coladas, and gettin' caught in the rain..."

2> As a topic of conversation, your mother's beard is no longer off-limits.

and the Number 1 Indication Your Fiance Is About To Dump You...

1> On her last conjugal visit, she was sporting a tattoo of somebody else's bass boat.