THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR NEW CAR IS A LEMON

16. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

15. Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

14. You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.

13. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"

12. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

11. "Jaws of Life" in trunk.

10. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

7. Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

3. Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

1. Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."