How to Score Points with a Women

Simple Duties ------------- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1 You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1 You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away.................................................... -1 You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1 You leave them under the bed...................................... -5 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.................................................... +5 But return with beer.............................................. -5 You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1 When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......................................... -2 You make the bed.................................................. +1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1 You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5 You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10 It's her father................................................... -10

Social Engagements ------------------ You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........................................ -2 Named Tiffany..................................................... -4 Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6 Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly.............................................. +1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump...................................... -5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"........................................ +1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"...................................................... -6 That woman is her sister.......................................... -90 You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature ----------------------------- You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7 You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8 You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12 You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon ------------------ You go to the mall together....................................... +3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.................................................. +4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................................... -2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3 Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15 Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16 Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17 Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6 And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15 You visit her parents............................................. +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3 And the television is off......................................... -6 You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6 And you didn't even go to college................................. -10 And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday ------------ You take her out to dinner........................................ 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1 Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing...................................................... +4 And you stink..................................................... +2 And you're not half bad........................................... +5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.............................................. -2 You give her a gift............................................... 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10 With her credit card.............................................. -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness -------------- You forget her birthday completely................................ -10 You forget your anniversary....................................... -20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys ------------------------- Go out with a pal................................................. -5 And the pal is happily married.................................... -4 Or frighteningly single........................................... -7 And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15 You have a few beers.............................................. -9 And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12 You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30 And not wearing any pants......................................... -40 Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

Her Night Out ------------- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends....................................................... +5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late.......................................................... +10 You wait up....................................................... +15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25 Which you clean up................................................ +35