Warning Labels

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.

We loved one particular entry for it wonderful idiocy:On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up. Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.  (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee:Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable MentionsOn a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replaceit for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield) On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg) On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas) On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington) On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon) On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin,& Gaithersburg) On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, whichhas been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure;and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. ) On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon) On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney) On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrasesand sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville) On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).