How not to lose your partner

Here's a tip for those of you who don't want their partner to leave them. While they are asleep, put a few nicorette patches (nicotine patches for people trying to give up smoking) on their arm. Remove them before they wake up. Keep doing this for a while until they are up to the equivalent of about 60 cigarettes a day.

Then, if they should ever leave you they'll get such awful cravings that they'll think they must still love you and come back.