In the News...

Speaking as a blond, let me tell you you're going to have to get used to being treated as a sex object. I mean, I had to gain weight, get a middle-management job, and get these goofy glasses just to be taken seriously. -- Drew Carey, on "The Drew Carey Show"

A Glendale firm originally formed by the Three Stooges plans to market the act's image of buffoonery and ineptitude. Says Easley, "The company recognizes that it will face stiff competition from the Three Branches of Government."

The Department of Agriculture declared that supermarkets can no longer call cold chicken "fresh." Says Steve Voldseth, "Now, if they could just keep the airlines from calling it an in-flight meal."

Skater Nancy Kerrigan gave birth to her first child last week. Says Mills, "Well, we know who the godmother won't be."

A study in black and white: The Oakland school board declared black English a separate language, called "Ebonics." No word yet on when they plan to recognize these other languages spoken by many students: - Gruntonics, spoken by jocks. (Steve Tatham) - Dudeonics, spoken by surfers (Kaseberg) - Klingonics, spoken by Trekkies. (Tatham) - Right-onics, spoken by hip retro '70s kids. (Tatham) - Catatonics, spoken by Al Gore fans. (Kaseberg) - Louis Vuittonics, spoken by snobby rich kids. (Tatham)

Oakland plans to seek federal funds for bilingual programs. Says Cutler, "So the language we're really talking here is money."