A History Of Toast

10,000 BC -- Oog accidentally discovers toast when he falls into his campfire and burns both his right arm off and the piece of bread it was holding. Ugg takes joy in Oog's misery in the form of a nice crisped slice of heaven.

356 BC -- An underground sect of Toast worshippers is formed -- The Toaest Vndergrovnd, dedicated to the advancement of toasted products.

32 AD -- Jesus Christ, in his search for a faith that will fool the masses, discovers the ancient sect of the Toaest Vndergrovnd. Thinking he has finally found what he is looking for, Jesus fully grasps the doctrine and attempts to spread the word. Unfortunately, the people are both illiterate and stupid, and misinterpret his speeches for the advancement of toasted products as words from the messiah, nailing him to a big piece of wood because of it.

34 AD -- To avoid the controversy surrounding their spokesman's death, the sect changes its name to the Toaest Clvb and change their slogan to "why not enjoy a slice of heaven today?" officially making the first advertising jingle.

103 AD -- With the fall of the Roman Empire, the Toaest Clvb is disbanded in disgrace after the club's chairman is found dead, panties on his head, lying on a bed of cocaine and counterfeit money, a whore in one arm, and unbaked dough in the other. Asked later about the incident, Vice Chairman Aero Sol comments: "We could understand the drugs, the money, and the whore -- but the dough was too much."

1056 AD -- Disciples of Christ uncover documents linking Jesus Christ and the ancient Toaest Clvb, and in an effort to get closer to god and all that jazz, restart the sect under the name "Toastus Groupii" and adopt the slogan "Getus closerii tous Jehovah throughii Toastus." The masses, infuriated over the slogan's mocking of good Latin, violently oppose the group and the Crusades, Inquisition, and Black Plague result.

1704 AD -- After surviving the middle ages, the popularity of the Toastus Groupii flourishes in pre-revolution France. The French rename it "L'echange Toast" and change the slogan to "Le Toast -- Ces't Manifique!" This slogan becomes the battle cry for many revolutionaries, and was heard quite often during the beheadings.

1754 AD -- Champlain is heard to utter "I sure wish I had some toast" while visiting the sight of Montreal, and "L'echange Toast" officially enters the New World.

1776 AD -- During the celebrations in Philadelphia, a general overtone of toast predominates among the founding fathers of the USA. Being Americans, however, they completely block out any and all doctrines of "L'echange Toast," forever losing its influence in American History.

Early 1800s -- With the coming of the English, "L'echange Toast" is slowly absorbed into Upper Canadian society, under the new name "The Toast Hovercraft."

1812 AD -- Hearing of the joys of toast in upper Canada, the Americans invade, in hopes of capturing the secret of enjoying a slice of heaven. Guided by their love for toast, the Canadians push back the Americans into their own little country. Most Americans remember this war as "Oh yeah, that little thing we did" and then try to change the subject to W.W.II.

1901 AD -- With the taming of the west and the industrial revolution, the toast hovercraft is finally renamed "The toast Exchange" after someone finds a French/English dictionary, and the original slogan, "For the betterment of toasted products" is reinstated.

1925 AD -- The swinging new dance craze, the "toast" sweeps North America and Europe.

1939 AD -- Hearing of the rise in popularity of the toast exchange in Poland, Hitler moves in to check it out. Upset with being beaten to the punch, England declares war on Germany.

1941 AD -- The Toast Exchange's slogan becomes the silent motivation for the war effort in both Germany and England. The French, still upset over that whole hovercraft thing, just sit around and drink a lot.

1945 AD -- When asked what kept him going through the war, Churchill responds, "It was the toast, my good man. It was the toast." This quote mysteriously does not appear in his biography.

1963 AD -- The Toast Exchange remains hidden throughout most of the fifties and early sixties, probably over the whole Aqua Marine thing. The first public statement from the group came after the assassination of JFK -- "It wasn't toast, that's for sure."