In the News...

Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills, "The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard yelling 'Price check on the company!'"

He adds, "the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out a huge stack of double-value coupons."

Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old woman's life at the Lost and Found Bar in Portland by performing CPR on her (the medics said the woman had merely fainted). Says Jay Leno: "And I guess out of force of habit she performed mouth-to-mouth on three bikers at the pool table, too."

The current Miss Canada, Danielle House, got into a bar fight and was charged with assault after allegedly causing bodily harm to another woman. Says Jerry Perisho: "The other day I went to a Canadian beauty pageant and a hockey game broke out."