LowComDom Performances Presents
10 undented cans of SPAMú
5 bags of those horrible little jellied fruits
2 bags of those repulsive, unidentified nuts for texture
1 box cheap, sticky brown cake mix
8 tablespoons powdered Portland cement
1 tube epoxy resin
1 bag M&M's
Using the little keys, carefully open SPAMú cans, then treat bleeding fingers. Carefully and properly dispose of SPAM (contact the EPA and Nuclear Regulatory Commission for detailed instructions and impact statements). Microwave cans for 10 minutes to insure sterility; ignore the sparks and funny noises.
Combine jellied fruits and nuts in a large bowl and mix well. Prepare cake mix as close to instructions as is convenient, folding in cement, epoxy and fruit/nut mixture. Quickly fill SPAM cans with mixture and solder lids back on. Beautifully gift-wrap each can and mail to all those miserable, lazy ingrates who sent YOU fruitcakes (this/last) year. Discard contaminated dishes and utensils, sit on couch and eat entire bag of M&M's in order of color preference.