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MS & CA
Judge Jackson stuns court, sentences Microsoft to "fate worse than death"
Before a packed and hushed courtroom, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson today rendered his final decision in the Microsoft anti-trust case.
"In my opinion, it is practially impossible to be any more guilty of monopolistic practices than Microsoft," said the Judge. "I contemplated breaking Microsoft into little teeny tiny pieces, but suddenly it occurred to me that they deserve a far worse punishment."
"I hereby sentence Microsoft to be acquired by Computer Associates," intoned the Judge, his voice laced with emotion. "Charles Wang of CA will remain CEO of the merged companies."
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was heard sobbing quietly after the decision was rendered, while attorney Bill Neukom was so overcome that he rent his garment (said to be a $3000 Armani) in anguish.
"This sentence may seem unduly harsh, but it occurred to me that there was only one other corporation with as much evil in its heart as Microsoft, only one other company that was in need of such a punishment," said the Judge. "You deserve each other."
Within hours of the announcement, CA welcomed their 25,000 new employees with the traditional email termination notices.
When questioned by reporters, a beaming Wang stated that "I intend to keep Gates and [Former MS CEO Steve] Ballmer on. We have several openings in the mailroom."
Reporters wanted to know what all of this meant to the future of Windows. Wang commented "Our plans are to migrate Windows over to the AS/400 and the IBM 390 and curtail further development for the PC platform. The day of the PC is over. We'll put three or four of their people on the Windows legacy software support team and keep a few other Microsoft programmers around for sport."
Many were curious as to just why Judge Jackson was so harsh on Microsoft. The Judge explained: "At first, I was inclined to be lenient, but I'm a bit of a do-it-yourself-er, and recently I tried to replace my PC's motherboard. That cinched it."