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In The News ...
America's Most Wanted: The FBI on Tuesday celebrated the 50th anniversary of its "Ten Most Wanted" list of fugitives. It's a day off for all FBI agents, except on-duty officers and those involved in the alien autopsies. (Rosenberg)
Got Milk?: Some college students were asked about PETA's controversial "Got Beer?" ads, and they replied: "Milk? What's milk?" (Richard Burkard/ www.LaughLine.com
Get Milk II: Get this: P.E.T.A. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is telling college kids they should drink beer instead of milk, because milk cows are treated inhumanely. Well. I'm for change, so I gave it a try. I put some Bud on my breakfast cereal....it went "Snap. Crackle, Burrrp!!" -Beer on cereal.... I guess that tells us where Cptn. Crunch disappeared to - The Betty Ford Clinic! (Bill Williams/ email@example.com)
Rumorville I: "The rumor is that Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche want to have a child, and they want the father to be Michael Bolton. In a related story, Melissa Etheridge announced she's now opposed to lesbians having children." (Conan O'Brien)
New Show: Jerry Springer has signed a deal to star in a new game show. Working title: "Who Wants To Be A Cross-Dressing Son Who Dates His Own Dad And Has A Secret He Wants To Share On National Television Which Can't Be Good News?" (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com)
New Cabinet Position: Florida Republican state Rep. George Albright has introduced House Bill 1737, which calls for the creation of a new cabinet post: Secretary of Barbecue. What I want to know is, how is that different from every other cabinet member who is in charge of doling out pork? (Jim Rosenberg/ www.mrmonologue.com )
Yet Another Apology: Laura Schlesinger has issued an apology for her choice of words in the ongoing crusade against homosexuality. Schlesinger is a well-known porno model who now has a radio talk show. (Rosenberg)
New Spielberg Flick: Steven Spielberg says his next project will be to make "A.I." A sci-fi movie about robots with artificial intelligence. They've hired the world's expert on artificial intelligence to be the technical advisor - Al Gore's speech writer.
This isn't the first time a politician has been involved in a movie. The "Brothers Governor," Jeb and George, were the technical advisors on "Dumb and Dumber." (Williams)
Hot Ticket: Speaking of campaigning: Colin Powell says he's NOT interested in running for Vice President this year. We can understand this. He's a retired General. George W. Bush is only a reservist. Who would REALLY be in charge of this ticket? (Richard Burkard/ www.LaughLine.com
Scary Sequel: Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore will star in "Hannibal," the sequel to the Oscar-winning 1991 film "The Silence of the Lambs." The producers promise the sequel is all about "Compassionate Cannibalism." (Rosenberg)