LowComDom Performances Presents
Are You The Right Person For Me?
Met someone special on a BBS or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you're willing to take the chance at having a life-scarring experience? No problem! Give 'em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck!
1) My name is:_______________________________.
2) The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
3) My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island
4) The age group I fall into is: (A) 40 and older (B) 30-39 (C) 21-29 (D) 15-20 (E) I wanna be a Power Ranger
5) In the past year, I have had: (A) 1-5 dates (B) 6-10 dates (C) 11-15 dates (D) More than 16 dates (E) I sleep with sheep
6) I have the proper height/weight ratio for: (A) the average human of my age and gender (B) Gorgo the Four-Headed Dragon (C) a washer and dryer set (D) Ireland (E) My gelatinous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity
7) The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was: (A) the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped. (B) strict upbringing makes me morally superior. (C) the voices won't let me. (D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
8) On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to: (A) a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe. (B) International House of Pancakes. (C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop. (D) the dumpster behind 7-11.
9) For entertainment, I like to: (A) watch movies/plays. (B) watch cock fights. (C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of "Bewitched." (D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
10) My idea of the perfect male/female is: (A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder (B) Trent Reznor/Courtney Love (C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno (D) my fist/my fingers
11) My hobbies are: (A) collecting books/stamps/insects. (B) computers. (C) small Hungarian women named Loopy. (D) eating at least 10 times my body weight. (E) acne.
12) My first words were: (A) "Mama/Dada." (B) "Seconds, please." (C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!" (D) "Touch me ... touch me there."
13) My dream career is: (A) millionaire playboy/playgirl. (B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits. (C) anything with barbed wire. (D) street gang moving target. (E) lard wrestler.
14) I consider my body to be: (A) a temple to the gods of desire. (B) average, but could use work. (C) proof God is far-sighted. (D) I am mainland China. (E) Just write "Titanic" on my behind.
15) If I could have one wish, it would be: (A) peace on earth. (B) piece of William Shatner's behind. (C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman. (D) a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
16) I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies: (A) never/seldom. (B) often, and they always insist on body cavity searches. (C) my family portrait is at the post office. (D) I was arrest #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."
17) What I would like to accomplish in my life most is: (A) happiness (B) a sixth finger. (C) the ultimate Helen Keller imitation. (D) working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor's pants. (E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
18) A nickname my friends may give me would be: (A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc. (B) Scrotum Thief (C) Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky (D) The Thrustinator (E) Exxxxtacy Maggot
19) My favorite thing about holidays is: (A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends. (B) food, food, food. (C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom. (D) Grandpa's annual Orgy of the Damned.
20) My favorite meal is: (A) a well-balanced healthy dinner. (B) whatever's stuck to the bottom of my chair. (C) anything that does not get away. (D) hot dogs with a side order of lovin'.
21) My favorite type of literature is: (A) computer tests like this one. (B) public restroom stalls. (C) anything on the newsgroup alt.bestiality. (D) the magic writing on the back of my foot. (E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds."
22) My political views are: (A) Democrat (bleeding-heart, egg-sucking liberal) (B) Republican (money-grubbing uncaring) (C) Libertarian (What's the matter? Not enough spine for a real party?) (D) Rastafarian (?)
23) (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the workers: (A) whistle and catcall. (B) shield their eyes. (C) jump off the high rise to end it quick and painlessly. (D) throw rocks. (E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
24) If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be: (A) a love bird. (B) an orangutan, pooping in my hands and throwing it. (C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days. (D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
25) My favorite type of music is: (A) hard rock with no lyrics and talentless bands. (B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to touch my sisters. (C) Tejano music (the soothing rhythms of a blaring accordion) (D) Groups like The Cure because I can pretend I'm a vampire and act so dark and depressing when I'm nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset 'cause my father didn't hug me enough. (E) Classi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
26) The best type of pet is: (A) dog. (B) cat. (C) anything that can't get away (D) Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets! (E) toasters -- don't ask.
27) My last relationship was ruined because: (A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed. (B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of putting my body parts into pencil sharpeners and screaming, "Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!" (C) he/she is scattered across Delaware -- shhh, don't tell. (D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
28) If my life had a slogan, it would be: (A) "Get a piece of the rock." (B) [Kool-Aid Man voice] "Oooooh yeah!" (C) "Still legal in 32 states." (D) "Mormon approved."
29) I use my computer most for: (A) work. (B) play. (C) communications. (D) DOOM (E) trapping hapless fools for consumption. (F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle. (G) a sex slave.
30) What issues concern/interest you the most? (A) AIDS. (B) racism. (C) foreign policy. (D) cattle mutilations. (E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet. (F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knights of Nee.
31) The title of my (auto)biography would be: (A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!" (B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre." (C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune." (D) "Going In His/Her Pants." (E) "Still a Virgin."
32) My favorite pick-up line is: (A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?" (B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?" (C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?" (D) "I bet I can bench press you!" (E) "Your eyes are so entrancing ... your skin so delicate ... wanna make love?"
33) My sign is: (A) Some zodiac thing. (B) "Child at play." (C) "All you can eat." (D) "Billions and Billions served." (E) "Dip."
34) My dream car is: (A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer. (B) the 1960s Batmobile. (C) a hearse. (D) anything I can fit in the back seat of. (E) an Edsel. (F) a Geo Metro hatchback (it's paid for or it gets me where I need to go)