LowComDom Performances Presents
How to shower
How to shower like a woman
1. Take off the 14 layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower ... once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realise your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in "10."
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner.)
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.