LowComDom Performances Presents
In The News ...
Same Old, Same Old: "The federal government plans to take action to prevent on-the-job injuries caused by repetitive motion. "Congress knows something about repetitive motion -- all year, it's been motion to dismiss, motion to impeach and motion to remove." (Argus Hamilton)
Be All That You Can Be: The Army may recruit high school dropouts. "It's part of the new 'Don't Ask, Don't Spell' policy. (Jay Leno)
Be All That You Can Be II: The Army is studying a plan to recruit high school dropouts. "Hey just because they can't make correct change at the local Arby's doesn't mean they won't be able to accurately fire a Tomahawk missile." (Jerry Perisho)
Soap Suds: Fox has renewed "Beverly Hills 90210" for a 10th season. "The show has been on longer than most of Tori Spelling's body parts." (Jennifer Vally)
Part Timer: Political pundits say that if Hillary Rodham Clinton runs for the Senate, she’ll be forced to become a "part-time first lady." And today, Monica Lewinsky said, "Pfftt -- been there, done that!"
Scandal du Jour: Juanita Broaddrick alleges President Clinton attacked her 20 years ago. "Today Hillary Rodham Clinton was asked for her reaction to all these recent accusations, and she said she doesn't care how many women they dig up. She knows in Bill's heart she'll always be Jane Doe No. 1." (Jay Leno)
Sorry Times: Ted Turner apologized to the Pope for telling a Polish joke. "One more public apology, and Democrats will nominate Turner for president." (Gary Easley)
Legalese: Under a new law, New York police can confiscate the cars of suspected drunk drivers. "The cars'll be towed away, never to be seen again. New York restaurants have been using that system for years. It's called valet parking." (Bob Mills)
Legalese II: In Wisconsin, police plan to dress like construction workers in an effort to catch more speeders. "If this works, they are going to start dressing like other members of the Village People." (Conan O'Brien)
Layoff Line: Levi Strauss is planning to shut down half its U.S. factories because sales of its jeans are down. "You want to win us back, Levi's? Stop posting our waist measurements on the back!" (Miller)
President Pat: Pat Buchanan has announced his candidacy for president. Even some Republicans think he may be a bit too conservative. He is strong pro-Grinch. (Alan Ray)
Crosby Open: Tiger Woods and Kevin Costner were a team at the recent AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tournament, "Apparently everything was going fine until Kevin Costner got stuck on a water hazard and spent $200 million." (Conan O'Brien)
Key To City: Governor Jesse Ventura, once a bodyguard for the Rolling Stones, welcomed them to St. Paul and gave them the city's key --- which Keith Richards immediately took back to his hotel room and smoked. ... Of course, being a 'bodyguard' for the Stones today is an oxymoron. (Bill Williams)
Spank Me: Oregon announced a bill before Congress allowing teachers to spank unruly students provided it is videotaped to avoid child abuse ... Not a minute behind, FOX introduced a new series: "America's Kinkiest School Spankings." (Williams)