LowComDom Performances Presents
If Companies Ran Christmas
If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1,500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95 percent of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring, of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas... Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for "equalization" of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas... Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas... "Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas... The ornaments would be large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. "The X-Files" would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas... Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.