LowComDom Performances Presents
When I talk to my son about drugs I'm worried I'll sound like my father. Son, you can't do drugs because... because... because they don't make drugs like they used to.
They really don't. They have this stuff now called "Ecstasy," it's a designer drug. Designer drug? What's that, like a Calvin Klein-Bill Blass look good, feel good, touchy horny thing that lasts six to eight hours and they get fifty dollars for this?
FIFTY DOLLARS!!! When I was a kid, I wouldn't pay more than five bucks for a four way tab of sunshine. That hit of acid would have the Timothy Leary stamp of approval. It would last twenty four to forty eight hours. I'd wake up in another city, another state, maybe another country! I'd have shaved my head, gotten a tattoo, grown a toe, had a sex change operation -- all for a buck and a quarter!
For fifty dollars, I want room service! I want a limousine filled with Sports Illustrated cover models giving me foot massages and pedicures. I want Claudia Schiffer to suck my big toe til I go off like a roman candle on the fourth of July at midnight. I want Kate Moss to floss my teeth. For fifty dollars I want to see Cindy Crawford with a foot long strap-on riding Richard Gere just like Slim Pickins at the end of DR STRANGELOVE -- wee haw! Wee haw! For fifty dollars I want to wake up with hair on my head!
And the things they drill in kids heads these days. Just say no to drugs? Just say no to drugs now son, you don't need the drugs now, you need them when you're my age, so give 'em to me.
Can you tell I grew up in the sixties? No Dan, you burnt out freak, we'd never know. We were the generation that was going to change the world. Change the world? We can't even change the clock on our VCRs.