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Helicopters and Tanks Headed For Redmond
[Royters: Dateline Washington]
Joe Motzeratz Reporting
Justice Department Siege Section's Helicopters & Tanks Rolling Towards Redmond
With the clock ticking ever closer to the deadline imposed by the Justice Department and the leaders of the Redmond WA based cult promising a fight to the end, Attorney General Janet Reno has informed the Justice Department's Siege Section to start the helicopters and tanks rolling towards Microsoft's campus in Redmond Washington; as well as cutting off the avenues of escape for Cult Leader Gates to his fortified redoubt on the lake, known as "C:\"..
Attorney General Reno stated that with such a formidable foe as Microsoft, and their response to her edict, that it would have to be a Take No Prisoners operation as the threat to the community at large is even more egregious than the mentally troubled widow in Illinois, and a much greater threat than the situation that first propelled her to prominence.
Apparently, Attorney General Reno is quite concerned what the Redmond Cult might do to the global computer networks, especially the legions of Windows boxes installed in U.S. government installations, offices, etc. if the siege and fight becomes a protracted one. However, Los Alamos and Lawrence Livermore are safe, she was heard to state.
Therefore, one of the first steps after the deadline passes it to totally cut off all utiilities (especially electricity and communications lines) from all Microsoft locations and place any and all of those entering or leaving Microsoft facilities into protective custody where they will then undergo "deprocessing".
Given the nature of the terrible threat that a rogue business and cult might visit upon unsuspecting millions of computer users and commerce, Attorney General Reno is also considering asking the President to declare the U.S. under "Martial Law" which will enable her to bring to bear the full might of the U.S. Government upon Microsoft and its leader Mr. Gates. "We're not messing around Bill", Attorney General Reno was heard to say. President Clinton was revived after he was told she was referring to Mr. Gates and not him.
A Special Advisory is being sent out to all U.S. Government Employees and officials to avoid all travel in or around Redmond Washington until this crisis is over.
President Clinton stated that while he was troubled by these developments, he has full faith in the Attorney General's actions against Microsoft as long as it diverts her attentions from the Other "Javas", "Operating Systems" and "Browser" investigations.
Neither Mr. Gates nor Microsoft officials were available for comment. They were last seen at the PowerComputing Fire Sale where they were not only picking up fatigues and other military paraphernalia, but were also inquiring about "surplus equipment" that the Texas militia might or might not have.
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