LowComDom Performances Presents
My Boss "One Liners"
My Boss recently bought some double sided disks. When he got a 'disk full' message he popped out the disk, flipped it over and tried to store data on the other side.
Ecstatic about my new, faster modem, I told my Boss about the experience. I said "This 28K modem is great". He said "That's a lot to pay for a modem, don't you think?"
My Boss considered suicide to end his managerial woos. For the first time in my professional experience, I agreed with his conclusion and supported his course of action.
My Boss has a defined career path for his new secretaries. It's secretary, executive assistant, mistress, mail clerk.
Recently my Boss asked me why I never seek his opinion. I said "If I don't know the answer, I know you don't either."
"I sent your recommendations, under my signature, to the Vice Presidents. I thought your suggestions were good and I know they will pay more attention if my name, and not your name, is on it." Meeting comments from my Boss after I noticed my suggestions appeared to be authored by him.
After weeks of bickering my Boss called me into his office. His opening comments were "Have you met our outplacement counselor yet?"
My Boss is not very computer literate. He thinks 'hardware' is complicated 'software'.
My company is giving away Kudos candy bars as recognition. One person saved over $100,000 and was rewarded with a 50 cent candy bar.
We recently had a rash of thefts in our offices. Since there were no signs of forced entry, the thieves obviously had office keys. Within a week, management replaced all the round door knobs with levered handles, BUT they never changed the locks. Now the thieves can steal more equipment because they can bump the doors open if their hands are full.
My Boss has an open mind. That's because there's no lid on his head.
My Boss told us if there was a problem concerning the office, no matter what the subject, he wanted to help fix it. So when he learned that I had been harassed by a co-worker he said "Work it out amongst yourselves. I don't want to hear about such petty things."
My Boss took his office PC home for the weekend. He didn't understand why he couldn't access any of his network files from home.
My Boss told me he could not give me a promotion based on past performance. I said "A promotion based on future performance is fine."
My Boss came to me after lunch and said I could go home early since I had worked so many hours on a recent project. The next day he called me into his office and counseled me for leaving early. When I said he told me I could go early, he said he had only been kidding.
After returning to my same job as a "re-hire", I found I was being paid less than a new trainee. When I asked my Boss for a raise he said "You can't get a raise while you're in the training program."
While eagerly awaiting the latest news on public opinion, a co-worker entered the room with the results, "John Q. Public doesn't think very highly of us." My Boss said "That's not TOO bad, he's only one person. What about the rest of survey?"
I received a less than average raise. When the reason for this was questioned, my Boss said "Since you won the department merit award this year, you don't need as large a raise."
Our company has a strict drug policy. All new employees must be tested. This rule was never broken until we hired this summer's interns and the President's son was one of them.
"This a salary review. It is not just about money." Scary comments during my annual raise review.
"I just got another email message from our office in Spain and it was still in Spanish. I think there's a problem with our Internet connection."
My Boss is determined to have a "Mission" and "Vision" statement. What he really needs is a clue and a plan!
I wish my Boss looked more like 'Cunanan' so I could call the FBI hotline and get him arrested.
Told to me, confidentially, by my Boss: "It was hard to do, but once I heard my Boss' wife was pregnant, I convinced my wife to have a baby now too. This way, me and the Boss can go through this experience together. I'm hoping for some male bonding to occur."
"I thought it was very clear. The company switched to 100% US sourcing so we could label our products 'Completely Made in America' and here you come with products made in Puerto Rico. How do you explain this?"
My Boss was complaining of back pain. Normally I would recommend my chiropractor, but he needs a spine to work on.
My Boss says there is no such thing as problems, just opportunities waiting to be grabbed. Why then, does my Boss create so many opportunities?
Once when I went to the toilet, there wasn't any toilet paper. I was really upset. I finished my job with a lot of trouble and the next day I took the complaint to my Boss. He said: " We had too much toilet paper consumption last year and we are compensating for the loss, now."
My Boss' motto: Hire people who'll work hard and you don't have to."
We hosted a dinner in our office for some very powerful visiting Japanese businessmen. My Boss was responsible for the meal. He ordered Chinese food. I think they were offended."
I heard rumors that my cubicle was going to be dismantled to make office space for some unknown new manager. I confronted my Boss with this news and he said "Yeah that is going to happen, but I will give you plenty of time to pack up". After lunch he stopped by to tell me to clear out my things by the end of the day.
Our secretary is requesting an assistant to help her with her secretarial duties. She is too busy running the company.
My Boss said, "My idea of team effort is when everyone is doing exactly what I want."
My Boss invites clients to her kid's birthday parties so she can write them off as business expenses.
My Boss thinks a 'backup tape' is an extra role of adhesive.
My department recently got its first scanner. When my Boss learned the news he said "That's great! How many channels does it have?"
Recently I was driving my Boss around because he had a DUI conviction. While we were in the car he said "People are really over reacting to this DUI thing. I think they have a problem with me because I carry a flask. Would you like a sip?"
My Boss thinks 'sexual harassment' is unwanted attention when he cross-dresses.
Is my career over? My Boss and I had stand-by tickets on the last flight out of Denver on Friday. All stand-by passengers had numbers to determine their order. Since I stood in line to take care of our stand-by status, my number was one lower than my Boss'. As it turned out, I had the shot at the last available seat. I took it. Was it a career ending move?
Yesterday over the intercom: "I think I need a demonstration of these new programs. Could you come in here and show me a few things in Word Perfect 123."
To show his belief in equality, my Boss hired some 'yes' women.
I think I have been secretly placed in a managerial experiment and my Boss is the placebo.
I was going to join the Army, but I see they'd rather make love than war.
My Boss to two other team managers after our recent reorganization: "When this fails, which one of us takes the blame?"
We call my Boss 'Rodney' because he doesn't deserve respect.
My Boss has carpal tunnel syndrome. It's from constantly scratching his head in bewilderment.
My Boss uses Excel, but he keeps a calculator close by to check his work.
I'm not a CPA, but my work is taxing.
My Boss is very fond of me because opposites attract. I can do his job in my sleep.
If my Boss was an animal, he'd be an alley cat or some other kind of pussy.
My Boss thinks racism is good for America. He says it breeds competition.
At my company we have more managers managing managers, than workers doing work.
My Boss is gone for a week. He's at a seminar entitled "Strategic seating arrangements at meetings".
I hate my job and I know it's time to quit. Yesterday, a visitor to our company stopped me in the lobby for directions to my Boss' office. I said "See that group of men over there? The person you are looking for is in that group and you'll have no trouble spotting him. Look for the white man with the brown nose."
On Monday my Boss gave me a 25% pay raise. I was THRILLED!!!!!. On Friday he laid me off. Completely confused, I asked what was going on. He said "I knew I had to lay you off, but I wanted to make you happy before I did it."
At the end of a grueling, multi-week project my Boss was ecstatic with the outcome, to which he had contributed little. He said "Over these last few weeks I think we really hit our rhythm. There were times when I really felt like the whole was less than the some of the parts." I think that sums it up." I said.
At the planning meeting for our first company picnic, we asked those present to suggest activities that would make the picnic fun. My Boss raised his hand and said "How about a wet t-shirt contest?"
After a recent technical meeting, my Boss called me into his office. He said "Why do you frequently correct me in meetings. "Mainly because, you're frequently wrong" I said.
My company hired a research firm to measure employee satisfaction. The results were terrible so my Boss fired the research firm. He said they obviously didn't ask the right questions.
My Boss invited me to his nudist colony. Is that sexual harassment?
My Boss bought a new monitor because her old one would "freeze" from time to time.
My boss was very disappointed when we didn't win the Federal Express account. He said I know the materials got there on time. I sent them UPS myself."
Frantic phone call from my Boss "How do I save the whole document. This program just wants to save the changes. What good is that feature?"
Recent question in MIS meeting "Can I send email to Europe if I use America On Line?"
In a desperate attempt to fire an innocent employee, my Boss mandated a drug test for him. When the results came back clean he said "Damn, maybe we can say he flunked anyway."
My Boss recently got his Ph.D. in marketing. His specialty is self-promotion.
I spend half my time at work correcting my Boss' mistakes. Our departmental slogan is "Just Un-Do it."
My Boss won't put a surge protector on her machine. She says everything deserves a good jolt now and then."
To see if the company was reading our email, I sent a message to a co-worker about a (fake) virus that might attack the computers, through our Internet connection, and erase all the hard drives in the office. After lunch that same day there was an Alert message on everyone's desk about the possible virus.
It was rumored that the manager of the Projection Department was recently infected with the HIV virus. Now, whenever my Boss needs projection equipment, he quips "Call the Visual Aids group".
As I passed my Boss' office, I saw him blowing on his computer mouse. When he saw me he said "I was working feverishly on this report and I think I over-heated the mouse. See, the arrow stopped moving on the screen and I'm just trying to cool it down."
My Boss recently lost a lot of weight an now wears plunging tops and short skirts to work. I wish he'd shave his legs too!
In response to my email from across the country, my Boss wrote: "I disagree. I don't think the Internet has changed my life in any way."
In a recent meeting my Boss said "I'm not intimidated by intelligence, but I don't like my employees to be MUCH smarter than me.""
In an interview on June 27,1996 my prospective new Boss said "I don't understand these dates.... you say you worked in Canada last Fall. Would that be in 1996 or 1997?"
My boss said we can't advertise in the newspaper for an opening in our department because "Unqualified people might apply."
My Boss looked at the sales counter and saw the clutter he and other co-workers left there (and I wasn't about to clean up after them). Pointing at the clutter he asked, "What's this?" I replied, "A couple of magazines, a stack of papers, and a picture frame..."
Our company installed heat sensors on the lights in all the enclosed offices to save energy. These sensors turn the lights on when they detect body heat. The lights in my Boss' office never come on.
Stopping me in the hall, my Boss said "The VP just told me my performance was sub-par. Normally I would be concerned, but you know he is an avid golfer. You think he meant I'm doing better than expected?"
With my Boss' mandated design improvements, we created 'economy' car parts that cost more than our 'premier' parts. To cover his mistake, he wants to call these new items 'premier economy parts'.
My Boss said he was going to re-model the office. He hired five new blonde secretaries.
My Boss is a Master Inventor. He creates a new excuse for every failure.
My Boss demonstrated his belief in Equal Opportunity. He hired both of his sons.
Last week my Boss greeted me with unusual glee. She said "I'm so happy you are in this meeting. I love to watch something valuable leak out of your brain. "
When my sister was coming to town for a three-day visit, I requested a Friday vacation. I was called to work that Saturday. My Boss said "I think it was generous we let you take vacation yesterday.
Working with a boss is like playing soccer. He owns the playing field and the goal post. We really can't complain when he moves the goal post, or changes the rules, but it is a bit difficult to score.
My Boss called a rush meeting the day before my major surgery. We were supposed to discuss last year's accomplishments and next year's goals. Halfway through the meeting she said "Don't submit next years goals, I'm laying you off today."
Comment during my annual salary review: "Yes you are an extremely valuable employee, but only 'outstanding' employees get raises."
In a recent staff meeting my Boss said "Next year's number one goal is to reduce the butthead count in my department." No one knew she planned to retire.
The only difference between my Boss and a donkey is that the donkey is not really an ass.
My company recently created a new, full-time, masters degree position in the computer department. To fill an obvious work load void for this new person, I suggested they train our staff on our new systems. "Yeah, right," says my boss, "We're going to pay someone with a MASTER'S DEGREE to teach."
After working through several nights and weekends to meet a deadline I'd already said was impossible, my boss turned down my pay rise. He said "Hard work doesn't count, only results."
I received a very small raise even though my evaluation was excellent. When I questioned it, my boss quipped, "I don't know why you are complaining. Your wife is working and I know that with both of your salaries, you guys make more than me."
My first job was as a waitress at a family style restaurant. On my third day, I was in the prep area preparing an order. My boss walked out of the area and stepped over a french fry. She turned and looked at me and said loudly, "When you see a french fry on the floor, you're supposed to pick it up and throw it away!" Then she walked away and left the fry on the floor.
Our bosses are so cheerily optimistic in the face of their repeated failures that we call them cheerleaders. Too bad their legs are hairy and their heads are bald.
Our management team is make up of three individuals, whom we refer to as the "tin man" (who doesn't have a heart), the "scarecrow" (who doesn't have a brain), and the "lion" (who lacks any courage).
As a manager my Boss is handicapped. He is deaf to criticism and dumb to new ideas.
My Boss is a highly qualified computer scientist, however his managerial skills 'byte'.
After several very frustrating meetings with my know-it-all Boss, he ran the following full page ad in our local newspaper: Half-Price Shoe Sale. Buy the first pair and get the second pair half price. Good only on shoes of the same or equal value."
I was called into my Boss' office to explain why I had given an employee a copy of their performance review to take home and read prior to our review meeting. She said "We don't want employees to read their evaluations before the review meetings. It might make them angry."