LowComDom Performances Presents
Year 2000 News Anchor Desk
. . . Evening news headlines . . . January 1, 2000 . . . anchor desk copy . . .
Good evening, and welcome to the Microsoft Evening News:
President-elect Bill Gates was under fire again today for alleged tampering with Internet ballots. Gates issued a brief statement (59 k), noting that a bug was found in ballot versions 3.0 and lower, causing all votes for his opponent to be counted for him. Microsoft is working on the problem, and should be issuing Microsoft Ballot 4.0 in time for the next election. Vice-president Michael Jordan, coming off a twenty-eight point performance against the Knicks last night, had no comment.
In Los Angeles, O.J. Simpson's 10th civil trial began today, with Judge Judy presiding. In related news, Simpson has filed suit against Bruno Maglie, and Maglie is suing Simpson. Representing Simpson is attorney and former Baywatch star Pamela Lee Anderson Simpson.
American tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has done the unthinkable, releasing a report today admitting that cigarette smoke "doesn't smell that good." The American Cancer Society issued a terse response, claiming 'We give up, people are idiots.'
In entertainment news, The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince now wants to be known as Andy. Early this morning and just after completing his performance last night in Times Square, Andy commented on the millennium date controversy. "Now that we've just party'd because it was 1999, I'm going to sleep like it was the day after. Who says the new millennium isn't really until 2001? No one asked me! " His new release pays homage to the Rolling Stones and is titled "I can only get no satisfaction from myself" is due out in March, 2000.
In economic news, The Dow Jones closed up 7001 points today to a new record high of 32000 today. The Federal Reserve Board has declared all paper money worthless as of today. Microsoft closed up an eighth.
The weather forecast for New York and the rest of the East Coast--a gorgeous winter day, with highs approaching 97 near the beaches, dropping to a low of 95 tonight.
Finally, in the landmark censorship case "U.S. vs. Howard Stern" the Supreme Court today ruled 10-2 that people should turn off the radio if they are offended by what they hear. It is unclear what this will mean for the Internet.
That's the news, and don't forget, coming up next on MSNBCCBSABCFOX, the hilarious new CyberTeleSatelitteDVD-ROM sitcom "Mad About Friends Being Married With Children Named Seinfeld In The NYPD Blue-Files" The show is now also available on Nintendo 256 with the Oprah AI feature, and MicroIntelSoft's Mmmm Good Inside Hot Pocket Portable.