LowComDom Performances Presents
In The News...
Clear Days in Schools: At least three teachers in the L.A. School District are using Scientology methods in their classrooms. "I assume these are not German teachers." (Daily Scoop)
"Among the teachings is making students look up words in the dictionary. Wow! Amazing! No wonder they built a religion around this Hubbard guy." (Daily Scoop)
On the Tube: "Beavis & Butthead" is coming to an end. "MTV says the show was too highbrow for its audience." (Daily Scoop)
"Donny and Marie Osmond may reunite as talk show hosts," says Alan Ray. "This brother and sister act is an important American icon. They serve to remind us that the '70s weren't all fun and games."
"CBS is trying to make the Marcia Clark character more lovable in its movie based on her book," says Camille Brewster. "Right now, they're filming the opening when she tosses her hat in the air."
Malpractice Alert: The creators of the newspaper comic "Rex Morgan, M.D." issued an apology after the doctor gave bad advice by prescribing aspirin for a baby, says Steve Voldseth. "How bad does your HMO have to be to assign you to a cartoon doctor?"
"Uh, oh, and we just hear he has been made pediatrician for the "Peanuts' gang." (Daily Scoop)
"Morgan was so distraught, he contemplated erasing himself." (Premiere Morning Sickness)
Around the Country: The National Governors Conference held its annual convention in Las Vegas this week, says Argus Hamilton. "It's only right. Americans spend $330 billion a year on games of chance, and that doesn't even include weddings and elections."
Bell Atlantic in New Jersey is looking for the printing-room culprit who swapped the numbers of lawyers and escort services in the Yellow Pages. "The escort services had started to worry when the only girl the callers ever wanted was 'Sue.'" (Bill Williams)
Twelve Delta Airlines employees were indicted for allegedly smuggling cocaine into the U.S. "They loved to fly, and it showed a little too much." (Alex Kaseberg)
The Literary World: "Romance novelist Janet Dailey admitted she plagiarized the works of rival romance novelist Nora Roberts. 'I knew I was in trouble,' said Daily, 'when the smooth creamy paper of the subpoena brushed longingly against my open palm.'" (Premiere Morning Sickness)
Football Facts: "According to a survey in Redbook magazine, 60% of men surveyed would rather have sex with their wives than get two free tickets to the Super Bowl," says Leno. "Well, this is misleading. The survey was done in Buffalo."
New in Science: Danish researchers say that on average, men have about 4 billion more brain cells than women, but they don't know what men do with them. "That's easy," says Jerry Perisho. "Where do you think men store batting averages, knock-knock jokes and the ability to channel surf?"
In the Movies: In "Contact" we earthlings build a transport ship from plans we get from outer space, says Jay Leno. "That's not really believable to me. How many people can put together a bookshelf they bought at Ikea? Good luck with instructions written by aliens from the planet Voltar."
"In 'Air Force One' Harrison Ford plays a president who battles terrorists in midair. He is a Clinton-like president. He not only disarms the terrorists, but also forces them to contribute $500,000 to the Democratic Party." (Brewster)
"Harrison Ford is the first president to do his own stunts on Air Force One, unless you count Gerald Ford." (Brewster)
In the News: An Anaheim man was arrested after he climbed over the wall at OJ Simpson's former Brentwood home. "He denied the charges of burglary, claiming he was planted there by the police." (Alex Kaseberg)
Contradicting testimony and documents, former Republican National Committee Chairman Haley Barbour denies knowing foreign money backed a loan to his think tank. "Somebody loans Haley Barbour $2 million, and he doesn't know who? Remind us not to lend him our lawn mower." (Daily Scoop)
"The computer industry wants to regulate online smut," says Alan Ray. "The concern is real. If parents wanted their kids to see and hear that kind of behavior, they would enlist them in the Army."
Concerned Women for America is boycotting Disney because of the "tiny little seashells" the Little Mermaid wears to cover her breasts. They say this sends the wrong message to children. "Snow White can live with seven men, but that's no problem because she's fully dressed?" (Daily Scoop)
AOL Follies: Due to customer outrage, America Online has canceled its plan to sell its subscribers' phone numbers to phone solicitors. "Why is America Online so good at apologizing to angry clients? Practice, lots of practice." (Kaseberg)
Big Business: "Starbucks says it may not be able to raise the price of a cup of coffee again this year, because competitors probably will not follow suit," says Johnny Robish. "Sort of takes all the fun out of being a monopoly if you can't push competitors around."
"Tobacco companies are giving money to politicians in record amounts," says Alan Ray. "So if you don't like secondhand smoke, just do what congressmen do -- turn your head."
Around the Country: "According to a sociologist at Arizona State University, couples who don't have children are the happiest," says Leno. "Unless of course you are Woody Allen, when the person you are dating is one of the children. That just throws the whole thing off."
"NBA superstar Marcus Camby was stopped by Massachusetts police, who found marijuana in his car. But he says the pot was not his," says Argus Hamilton. "Of course it wasn't. It had been put there by the reefer fairy."