LowComDom Performances Presents
In The News...
Weird Facts: A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives. Argus Hamilton has the explanation: "For one thing, they're awake."
"The romance novel industry was rocked by news that one of its leading authors had admitted to plagiarism. 'Does this mean we're like real writers?' one of them asked."
"The Republicans defeated the Democrats in their annual baseball game," says Jay Leno. "The game raised a lot of money for charity. Plus, the home plate umpire took home $5,000 in bribes."
"The Senate committee's findings of illegal campaign financing activities raises a shocking question in our society: 'This is new to them?'" (Ray)
The other day, Congressman Joe Kennedy and his son had a minor mishap with some illegal fireworks. When asked about it, Kennedy said, "We're trying to find alternatives to alcohol and underage women." -- Conan O'Brien
Our Favorite Government Agency: The California Department of Motor Vehicles says as many as 250 employees may be involved in a phony driver's license scandal. "Two hundred fifty employees? I didn't know DMV even had 250 employees." (Steve Voldseth)
The DMV fired 24 workers calling them rogue clerks. "You know what a rogue clerk is, don't you?" asks Bill Williams. "He's one who says, 'You're in the wrong line, but I'll help you anyway.'"
"More changes for the Sox. Reinsdorf announced the team will now be known as the Chicago White Flags." (Brian J. Hill)
In the News: A judge has refused to dismiss a lawsuit against Disney by a woman who says she was robbed in the parking lot and her grandchildren were traumatized by seeing Mickey, Minnie and Pluto taking off their false heads. "At least they missed Michael Eisner shoveling cash into the trunk of his car." (Bob Mills)
Hofstra University will host 50,000 academics at a three-day conference to examine the career of Frank Sinatra, says Mills. "Leading economists will decide once and for all just which corporation he is chairman of the board of."
Airlines have balked at the FAA suggestion that they fill empty fuel tanks with inert gas, says Williams. "I don't know about the others, but that's where American and Delta employees put their cocaine."
Regis Philbin has been dropped as the host of the Miss America Pageant. Jeez, they're treating this guy like he was caught in a hotel room with a flight attendant. -- David Letterman
And the NBA rookie of the year Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers was arrested on weapons and marijuana charges. "The 76ers want to see Iverson treated like any other suspect," says the Daily Scoop. "The Cowboys want to know if he can catch a football."
Postmaster General Marvin Runyon says the post office will make a $1- billion profit for the third straight year, says Jerry Perisho. "One- billion-dollar profit. Next thing you know, Bill Gates will buy it."
"Kids graduating from college today find the job market to be very tough, very competitive. There is only one job that really has a lot of openings and continues to grow -- special prosecutor." (Perisho)
"Dan Quayle presented himself as a political outsider, saying 'Sure, I was vice president for four years, but it's not like I actually worked.'" (Cutler Daily Scoop)
"Quayle served four years in the House, eight in the Senate and four as vice president. If he's an outsider, it's at a Mensa meeting." (Argus Hamilton)
McDonald's had the biggest management shake-up in its history, which included the departure of three top executives. "It was pathetic how they did it -- pink slips in their Happy Meals." (Brian J. Hill)
Our Government: House Speaker Newt Gingrich said his loss of 25 pounds was because of dieting, exercise and pills, including a stimulant. "Newt Gingrich needs a stimulant like Superman needs a fitness trainer." (Hamilton)
People, People Who Hit People...Miss Canada lost her crown after being convicted of giving her ex's new girlfriend two black eyes and a broken nose. Says Steve Voldseth, "I think it's safe to say she had to give up that Miss Congeniality award as well."
"The explorer Sojourner backed away form the rock named Yogi and headed for Scooby Do. It's pretty obvious now that women are from Venus and Hanna-Barbera is from Mars." (Bill Williams)
"The Senate campaign finance hearings -- a.k.a. the Potomac Yawn Patrol -- are so boring, some Republicans have suggested bringing in Sonny Bono to do a number between witnesses." (Mills)
"It's the best-dressed Senate-committee in history. They wear tuxedos in the afternoon because they all have fund-raisers to attend starting at 5." (Hamilton)
"White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry has accused Republicans of running a smear campaign to assassinate the president's character," says Hamilton. "What utter nonsense. If ever there was an apparent suicide..."
A Living Wage: For the third year, Forbes magazine has named Bill Gates the richest man in the world with a net worth of more than $36 billion. "That's mind-boggling," says Leno. "Give you an idea how rich this guy is -- do you know he has over $800 million in change sitting on top of his dresser?"
"Bill Gates is so rich, he controls more than three-quarters of the world's Grey Poupon." (Leno)
"The actor who plays Barney the Dinosaur suffered heat exhaustion in his costume during a TV taping. Doctors say the prognosis doesn't look good. He will survive." (Ray)
Christopher Darden is going to court to prove he's the father of his ex-lover's daughter...in legal circles, that's known as the Reverse Cosby. -- Zack Taylor, Westwood One Radio Network
Real Estate: "The Grateful Dead's communal Victorian house in San Francisco is listed for sale at $990,000," says Alex Kaseberg. "That sounds expensive, but it works out to only about 10 bucks an ounce."
"The band left its mark on the place. The house has seven bedrooms, five baths and 112 medicine cabinets." (Argus Hamilton)
"It is listed at just under $1 million, but the street value is $2 million." (Premiere Morning Sickness)
Legal File: "The legal haggling continues over who owns O.J.'s piano. There hasn't been this much fuss over a piano by someone who can't play one since John Tesh went on tour." (Kaseberg)
L.A. City Councilman Mike Hernandez has been charged with possession of cocaine, says Bob Mills. "He was immediately offered a better job in Washington, D.C., by Mayor Marion Barry."
"In an attempt to avoid prosecution, the councilman has scheduled a tryout as utility infielder for the Anaheim Angels." (Barry Tunick)
Health Beat: "Here's the latest gimmick from the tobacco companies. Boy, these guys never rest. Now somebody's coming out with all natural cigarettes," says Jay Leno. "This is like making bullets that contain 10 essential vitamins and minerals."