LowComDom Performances Presents
New Periodic Elements
In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn Bonds forever with corduroy.
Kryptonite S Kills Superman. That's it. That's all it does.