LowComDom Performances Presents
Here's a little point/counterpoint that went on between a female and a male co-worker here at General Magic some months ago. Apparently, the woman crafted the fifty rules for men and a male co-worker sent her the responses to each of them you see below. Also note that the woman was struggling to reach fifty rules so she repeats two of them near the end. Numbers 1 and 2 are the same as numbers 48 and 49 respectively. I guess rule #51 is that a woman can have redundant rules whenever it suits her purposes.
WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN
1. Call. --- Shouting across a crowded bar should count.
2. Don't lie. --- Men never lie, they misspeak.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together. --- Hadn't thought of that until now...
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. --- Fun is a heavily gender based term, for instance shooting rats at the dump.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. --- Don't feed the animals also comes to mind.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." --- The correct male response to this is to blind yourself with a fork. It is also the least painful way of ending the conversation.
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" --- See fork in 6.
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. --- Don't ever tell her you bought it off a live model...
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. --- unless she has decided she wants the lobster.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. --- There is a fine line between eye contact and the piercing stare of a psychopath.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. --- Try to use on present girlfriend and not past (for example,"Darling, this is my new girlfriend.") "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad. --- Except when applying them to former girlfriends who are more attractive than your present one.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. --- Crying, whining, and begging, however, will get you dumped.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. --- Which makes communication difficult since most male behavior and conversation is easily summed up in grunts, beer, and peeing while upright.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. --- Whereas you are frequently reminded of how thoughtful, sensitive, and caring other men can be (this is also the reason she is not attracted to them).
15. Her cooking is excellent. --- No matter how good, don't compare it to your favorite fast food.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. --- Ordering pizza every night doesn't seem to work either.
17. Dishsoap is your friend. --- Don't spill food on it while eating over the sink.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. --- on the other hand, vegetable does not equal main course, figure skating does not equal sports, and sex does not equal commitment
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. --- if she buys it does.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. --- use 'my mother' instead.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" --- see rule 20
22. Two words: clean socks. --- two words: get me a beer.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. --- You are to yourself and that is all that really matters anyway.
24. Burping is not sexy. --- But it's better than attacking the problem from the other end.
25. You're wrong. --- even if you don't mean it.
26. You're sorry. --- see rule 25.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. --- but then again, she probably thinks you care about her shoes.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football. --- ditto for her discourse on 'Little Women'.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. --- that's because she can't do it.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. --- "I produce movies" is the best.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. --- assume it
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. --- expect it
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. --- if this persists see rule 5 activity
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. --- especially if you are using it to get your watch out of her toilet. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. --- use a finger, the nail does a better job.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. --- whereas you can find your way home from the airport at 3 in the morning.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. --- just opposite ways of telling you you're wrong.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. --- Those six bags for the weekend you wind up carrying don't have anything for you.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. --- Of course, complete jerks seem to have longer relationships than nice guys anyway.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. --- Don't tell her friend that either.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. --- This is the first step to being taken for granted.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother. --- Just don't tell him how you spend your evenings with her.
42. Think boxers. --- If you're missing them, she's stealing them.
43. Silk boxers. --- Fruit of the Loom doesn't make this kind.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. --- Whereas she will try to drag you to the Opera on Super Bowl Sunday.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. --- If you even notice.
46. Her haircut is never bad. --- Don't ever let her know how much less it costs you to cut your hair.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her. --- Be gentlemen, wait until she leaves the room.
48. Call. --- Especially if you don't have bail.
49. Don't lie. --- Misspeak.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out. --- It's not even now that we get stuck video-taping the whole thing instead of sitting in the waiting room.