LowComDom Performances Presents
DECLINING OIL PRICES
By Dave Barry - 5-30-86
Like many of you, I did not realize, at first, that the decline in oil prices was something to be concerned about. In fact, I viewed it as the first really positive development in this nation since Jimmy Carter was attacked by the giant swimming rabbit. But then I started reading articles by leading nervous economists stating that the oil-price decline is a very bad thing, because it is causing severe hardships for the OPEC nations, the U.S. oil industry, the big banks, and Texans in general.
When I read this my reaction was: Hahahahahaha.
No, seriously, we need to be worried about declining oil prices, and I am going to explain why. The international economy is based on the U.S. dollar, which is trusted and respected throughout the world because it is the only major currency that does not look like it was designed by preschool children. The value of the dollar, in turn, depends on the investment savvy of the big U.S. banks, which lend their dollars to the oil-rich Third World, which loses them gambling on rooster fights.
This system worked well until the late 1970's, when the price of oil started to fall. This was caused by a decline in demand, which was caused by the fact that people couldn't get their cars repaired, which was caused by the fact that the oil companies had bought all the independent garages and turned them into "self-service" stations selling a mutant assortment of retail goods and staffed by surly teen-agers, so that God forbid you should have actual car trouble at one of these service stations because they would tow you away for blocking the access of customers wishing to purchase nasal spray and Slim Jims. So now the banks are stuck with a lot of oil, which they are trying to get rid of by converting it into VISA cards, which they offer to my wife. She gets six or seven VISA offers from desperate banks per business day. She got one recently from a bank in South Dakota. I didn't know they had banks in South Dakota did you? What do people keep in them? Pelts? So I think we need to revamp the whole world economic structure, and the obvious first step is to require banks to repair cars. The supermarkets, which already cash checks, could take over the remaining functions currently per- formed by banks, such as lending money to the Third World and being closed. You would get your food at service stations, which would be required to get some new sandwiches. You would continue to buy gas at "convenience" stores. Illinois would be sold to wealthy Japanese investors.