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but as space becomes available offsite ...
Cupertino, CA - Joe Hacker, Software Engineering Manager and father of two girls, has announced plans to outsource his children to a private enterprise specializing in child rearing as part of his family's cost savings effort. Hacker said that his request for proposals will go out later this spring, and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place by summer 1997.
Hacker says that he anticipates savings of 25% of his child rearing expenses by hiring a company which specializes in the field. He believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such as sports, scouts, and lessons, he should be able to pay a private firm about 75% of what he currently spends on his children.
Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their current privileges, Hacker has worked to alleviate their fears. He has held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A professional child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a rookie parent.
The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with benefits at at least the same overall level as they receive at home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain "core" benefits, such as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves the non-core (music, sports, television) at the discretion of the contractor.
The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at their parent's home; but as space becomes available offsite, the children will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example, when the car needs to be washed or the yard needs "patrolling"). The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but Hacker told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, 'perform' their musical instruments for, or talk to their parents. This would also allow the kids to visit their pets (two dogs, three cats), at least until phase 2 of Hacker's cost cutting plan, which includes outsourcing the family pets.
Hacker would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise the family in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode.