LowComDom Performances Presents
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.