LowComDom Performances Presents
Kitty kitty kitty
CAT MIRACLE DIET
Most diets fail, including the recently promoted Toddler Miracle Diet, because we are still thinking and eating like people (albeit rather unusual people when following the Toddler Miracle Diet). And for those of us who don't have Toddler's it may be difficult to get into the proper mindset.
Well, now there's the new Cat Miracle Diet!
Except for cats who eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve this same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find you not only look and feel better, but you have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good luck!
DAY ONE ------- Breakfast Open can of expensive gourmet cat food -- any flavor as long as it costs more than .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around the room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime Snack Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO ------- Breakfast Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of a dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon Snack Catch a large beetle and bring it in the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is half mushy and mostly dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of your living room rug. Promptly throw it up on the rug. Step in it as you leave and leave footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE --------- Breakfast Drink part of the milk from your spouse/partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum applicance you can find. Lunch Catch a small bird and bring it in the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY --------- Breakfast Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, or antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse/partner's pillow. Lunch Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse/partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the kitchen floor several times. Chew on one corner and then abandon. Dinner Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.