LowComDom Performances Presents
Rejection Letters of the Stars
Dear Mr. King,
After careful consideration, we have decided to deny your request to let Richard Ramirez, a.k.a. the Night Stalker, fight Mike Tyson. Though we are sure such an event would be very commercially viable, we do not feel it appropriate to release Mr. Ramirez from custody. We would be glad, on the other hand, to let you have Lyle and Eric Menendez at a discount. Please inform us if you are interested.
Sincerely Yours, The California State Department of Corrections
Dear Mr. Waller,
We were very honored by your request to serialize your novel, "The Bridges of Madison County," in our magazine. Unfortunately, as we perused it, we found that your female character was way too old and you didn't use the word "hooters" once. We wish you the best of luck placing it elsewhere.
Cordially, Hustler Magazine
Dear Ms. Fleiss,
Thank you for your recent letter to Mother Teresa on your thoughts to help raise funds for her charitable projects. Unfortunately, she did not feel that calling the teenage female orphans "Terri's Girls" would be viewed well by the Pope.
Yours in God, Sister Mary Stigmata
Dear Mr. Simpson,
Thank you for your interest in our products. Though we considered your "I've Found One That Fits" campaign proposal intriguing, we do not feel it is the image we want to present to the public.
Best Of Luck, The Isotoner Corporation
Dear Mr. Quayle,
As much as we would like to help, we cannot send the Oompah Loompahs to your birthday party. Yes, we know they're cute, but unfortunately they don't exist.
Regretfully, Willy Wonka Candies