LowComDom Performances Presents
SHAKESPEARE STUDY TO TEACH KIDS NEW WORDS FOR COCK
Primary school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis.
Ed Balls, the schools secretary, wants every child to learn at least 50 obscure terms for the male reproductive organ or the vagina by the age of seven.
He is concerned that British children are relying far too much on 'willy' and 'front bottom' when they could be using Shakespearean terms like 'carrot', 'bodkin' and 'buggle boe'.
Mr Balls said: "Right now in China billions of little children are sitting in schoolrooms reciting elaborate Confucian jokes about cock."
A recent academic study of Shakespeare's work by the Institute for Studies found that 98% of the words used in his plays are euphemisms for either the penis or the vagina.
Its analysis of the Battle of Agincourt scene from Henry V found more than 100 references to the erect penis, and 73 allusions to cunnilingus and anal sex.
Dr Cathy Smith, head of English at the Institute, said: "The great genius of Shakespeare is his ability to confront every aspect of the human experience and slip in a knob joke.
"The poetry is superb, the themes timeless and universal, but basically it's all just fanny, tits and arse."