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Valentine's Day Romantic Tips
Diamonds are for the wife, roses are for the girlfriend.
When taking her out to a romantic Valentine's Day dinner, be sure to carry her tray. For an extra touch, unwrap her straw, too.
Nothing says "I love you" quite like violating her restraining order.
Don't get their cards mixed up or you might end up having to have sex with your wife instead of your secretary.
If she suggests "trying something different," she means something that involves *her*.
Just because she loved the chocolate hearts last year does NOT mean she will love the chocolate spleens this year.
Suppress the diabolical laughter until after the restraints are buckled securely.
Take a tip from Prince Charles and wait at least eight years after your wife dies before proposing to your long-time lover.
A quick stop at the cemetery on the way home should save time and money and still produce a beautiful bouquet.
Save the "keggerator" hat and belching the alphabet for Arbor Day.
An extra fiver will insure the video store guy puts a "Terminator" DVD in your "Thelma and Louise" box.
Phrases to avoid at dinner "fully tax-deductible", "violation of my parole", and "by decree of Lord Satan"
If there's any chance whatsoever she might sleep with you, do the safe thing -- get rid of those "Star Wars" sheets.
When role-playing, do not suggest that she be the hot chick at work.
Start your date as late as possible to lessen the odds your true self will accidentally surface.