How To install a wireless security system

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 hr. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."