Guidelines for Submitting Professional Writing

Never admit to an editor you can't read.

Never try to create a masterpiece when having recently undergone a lobotomy.

Never use the pen name, God.

Never submit bullshit unless packaged professionally.

Never end magazine articles with, ' Love and kisses, always' ....

Never give out autographs unless you know how to spell your name.

Never beg, weep, or use excessive physical violence when approaching a new publisher.

Never use profanity unless you fucking mean it.

Never send cash to the Editing Department.

Never submit nude photos, or mug shots, as pictures of the author.

Never include rap sheets in resumes.

Never admit you don't know what the hell you are writing about.

Never admit you don't give a damn that you don't know what the hell you are writing about.

Never hire a blind proof reader.

Never submit a poem written in sign language.

Never submit a poem printed out on toilet paper.

Never submit manuscripts in invisible ink.

Never submit a critique of rejection slips.

Never send yourself in the self-addressed envelope.

Never submit drugs, or chocolate candy, as reading fees.