The Rules of Men's Fashion

Rule #1: A man must never buy pants with the word "bottom" in the name, such as "Cavernous Bottom", "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless Bottom" or "My God, is that your Bottom?" jeans.

Rule #2: Before purchasing any item of clothing, a man must raise his right hand and repeat aloud the following somber pledge: "I [your name here] do solemnly swear that [clothes item here] does not make me look like Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So help me, John."

Rule #3: A man must walk out of the store if a clerk makes reference at any time to his crotch, particularly the dreaded comment/accusation "it's a little roomy in the crotch there, isn't it sir?" As for the unexpected reverse crotch fabric yank and tuck maneuver executed at many finer men's stores, you can expect to hear from our lawyers.

Rule #4: A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all times to approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the urge to improvise, simply recall those 70's shirts with french street scenes, long beagle dog collars, and absolutely no natural fibers. These were once thought to be stylish. Men might still be wearing them today, were it not for OSHA's landmark ruling that they were simply too flammable for public use.

Rule #5: A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing, unless it is related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially true of Euro-sounding phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht Club".

Rule #6: A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars on any item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items are covered in Appendix A: "Asking Mom for Help";

Rule #7: One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and she suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I already *have* a pair of pants. When your one item is no longer wearable, rise from the dinner table and announce with feeling "My shirt is dead. I need a new one."