In The News ...

Copy Not: "In shocking congressional testimony recently, two groups of scientists revealed they began the process to clone human beings in secret laboratories. They . . . could be fined $100,000 and sent to prison. . . . President Bush came out against human cloning. And what better argument against human cloning than George W. Bush?" (Jay Leno)

Politics 101: "President Bush wants to include the teaching of morals and values as part of his education program. He says kids need to learn that lying, cheating and stealing aren't acceptable behavior in our society. Unless you're a politician." (Ira Lawson)

Man With A Plan: President Bush explained what he plans to do about gun violence Monday. He plans to hire hundreds more prosecutors to bring gun-related crimes to trial. Isn't this a bit like trying to end obesity by hiring more heart bypass specialists? (Richard Burkard/ http://www.LaughLine.com)

J.Lo/Peacock Deal: Jennifer Lopez's deal with NBC also includes plans for a future comedy, based on her family in the Bronx. We were hoping for a series about her romance with Sean Combs - maybe called "The Year of Loving Dangerously." (Burkard)

Survey Says: A Canadian study revealed Oscar winners tend to live four years longer than people who merely have nominations. Based on this data, the estimated lifespan of Tom Hanks is about 120. (Burkard)

Today marks the 40th anniversary of a famous speech. Federal Communications Commission Chair Newton Minow warned television had become a "vast wasteland." Four decades later, few people pay attention to speeches like that - because we're too busy watching "Jackass." (Richard Burkard/ http://www.LaughLine.com)

Newton Minow is still alive, and now 75. He tells Reuters there's GOOD news about television now, because we have so many more choices. Thanks to satellite systems, Bruce Springsteen will have to update his old song -- and sing, "300 Channels and Nothing's On." (Burkard)

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld wants to reorganize his department and open an "Air Force Space Command" in Colorado. A four-star General would be in charge -- while visiting lecturers would fill the Commander Cody, Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers chairs. (Burkard)

Mickey D's Java: McDonald's is considering opening a chain of Starbucks-like coffee shops. And their most challenging obstacle is...getting employees to realize the decaf doesn't go on the de-bun. (Bill Williams -- acmehumor@aol.com

Tell me another Joke!

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