In The News ...

Royalty: First Lady Laura Bush opens the White House to Oprah Winfrey for the latest issue of her magazine. This is interesting - "O" meets "W." You almost expect it to be sponsored by the number four.... (Burkard)

Old Fart: Senator Jesse Helms is on a goodwill tour of Mexico. He remembers a time when the people of this country were indentured for cheap labor in the U.S. Or as he calls it, "the good ol' days." (Alan Ray)

No Smoking: The town of Belmar, New Jersey now has a beach smoking ban, you'll be fined $25 if they catch you smoking on their beach. Smokers may think it's unfair, but ya gotta remember this is Jersey we're talking about. On a New Jersey beach--one carelessly discarded cigarette could set the whole ocean on fire. (Toms Lake Humor Company - http://www.tomslake.com)

Sloppy Household: "Entertainment Tonight" offered an explanation for a strange sentence written on Robert Blake's wall. We're told "I'm not going down for this" has been there more than a year. So it's apparently not about the killing of Blake's wife - it's about the entire marriage. (Burkard)

Booming Economy: Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill spoke optimistically about the economy Tuesday. He told the "Nightly Business Report" some companies did very well in the first quarter, yet received little publicity. OK, let's name some of them: Conoco, Chevron, Shell, BP Amoco.... (Burkard)

Dropping Pounds: Jenny Craig is in financial trouble. It's changed terminology within the organization. "Lose fast" now refers to the stockholders. (Ray)

A Friend In Need: Friends star Matthew Perry walked away unhurt after his brand-new BMW was struck in L.A. by a woman who ran a stop sign. Police said no drugs or alcohol were involved in the Wednesday morning accident - Perry's bottles of liquor and painkillers were found safely in his southern California home. (Miguel Alonso)

New Campaign: Surgeon General David Satcher announced a new campaign Monday - the "TV Turnoff Network." We thought this network already existed and it's called C-SPAN. (Burkard)

Crude Remark: The Supreme Court has ruled one crude remark does not qualify as sexual harassment. So, what does constitute a harassing incident? Judge Thomas, in his opinion, declares, "I know it when I make one." (Ray)

Disney Dumps: Disney will lay off 250 animation workers. You can tell the affected employees are peeved. Instead of four fingers, Mickey now just has one. (Ray)