In The News ...

People, People Who Hit People...Miss Canada lost her crown after being convicted of giving her ex's new girlfriend two black eyes and a broken nose. Says Steve Voldseth, "I think it's safe to say she had to give up that Miss Congeniality award as well."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he controls more than three-quarters of the world's Grey Poupon." (Leno)

"The actor who plays Barney the Dinosaur suffered heat exhaustion in his costume during a TV taping. Doctors say the prognosis doesn't look good. He will survive." (Ray)

Christopher Darden is going to court to prove he's the father of his ex-lover's daughter...in legal circles, that's known as the Reverse Cosby. -- Zack Taylor, Westwood One Radio Network

Real Estate: "The Grateful Dead's communal Victorian house in San Francisco is listed for sale at $990,000," says Alex Kaseberg. "That sounds expensive, but it works out to only about 10 bucks an ounce."

"The band left its mark on the place. The house has seven bedrooms, five baths and 112 medicine cabinets." (Argus Hamilton)

"It is listed at just under $1 million, but the street value is $2 million." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Health Beat: "Here's the latest gimmick from the tobacco companies. Boy, these guys never rest. Now somebody's coming out with all natural cigarettes," says Jay Leno. "This is like making bullets that contain 10 essential vitamins and minerals."

A woman is out to break the Guinness Book of Records mark for being in a chamber with the largest number of scorpions, says Hamilton. "The old record is held by Lance Ito."

"The Stealth bomber doesn't work well in wet weather," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Here's hoping we never have to bomb Seattle."

The FAA is encouraging pilots to help watch for hazardous materials loaded onto their planes, says Bill Williams. "There is an added bonus for Continental pilots. By reading the labels on the freight, they'll know where they're supposed to land."

"Two high-ranking North Korean diplomats have defected to the U.S. And why not?" asks Zack Taylor. "We've got it all -- life, liberty and the return of Donny and Marie."

"There was some confusion when one insisted on surrendering only to Hawkeye Pierce." (Perisho)