In The News ...

Lesbians Kiss: The Los Angeles Dodgers have apologized to a lesbian couple who were tossed from the stadium for kissing. The team is trying to make amends. Next Tuesday's game is "Xena" night. (Alan Ray)

Survey Says: A survey says more than half of all Americans now have access to the Internet--and 12 percent of homes have more than one computer. You know your family is a bunch of Internet junkies when you're in your room upstairs--and you get an email from Mom downstairs saying 'Supper's on the table!' (Toms Lake Humor Company - http://www.tomslake.com)

New Poll: The annual President's Day Gallup Poll found our most popular President is Ronald Reagan (18%) followed by John F. Kennedy (16%), Abraham Lincoln (14%) and Bill Clinton (9%). Other top vote-getters include FDR, Harry Truman and George Washington. -- As usual, Warren G. Harding got screwed. -- Clinton, who dropped a couple of notches from last year, said, "Damn! If I'd just pardoned a few more people, they might have voted for me." (Rhody)

When Intruders Attack: Police are reporting that John Ramsey, father of Jon-Benet Ramsey, was assaulted and briefly locked in the bathroom of his home by an intruder over the weekend. --Patsy Ramsey, who was asleep in her bed at the time, reportedly did not see or kill anyone. --This whole story begs the question: What sort of world do we live in when the husband of a brutal murderer isn't even safe in his own home? (Steve Voldseth)

SEX TV: A report says sexual content on television has increased dramatically. A new series on Fox will add even more raw, passionate love making to prime time. The Jesse Jackson Show. (Ray)

New Cure: A plastic surgeon in Ohio says that plastic facial surgery can cure migraines. I know mine went away when Paula Jones and Linda Tripp had theirs! (Steve Voldseth)

"WASSSUP!" was voted 2000's most-hated catch phrase. Ironically, it was also voted 2000's most intelligent catch phrase used at a college frat party.(Bill Williams ö acmehumor@aol.com)

MJ Charity: Michael Jackson has formed a "Heal the Kids" charity. In a related story, Farm Fresh Eggs has hired a fox to guard its henhouses. (Ray)

Yet Another Award: The Reverend Jesse Jackson has been chosen to receive an award from Rock the Vote honoring his work for social and political causes. In honor of Jesse Jackson, Rock the Vote has a new bumper sticker slogan: "If this vote's rockin' don't bother knockin'." (Voldseth)

Long Island Lolita: Amy Fisher, is reportedly pregnant. Apparently, the pregnancy was a surprise because, when asked to comment, Amy said, "I need this baby like Mary Jo Buttafuoco needs another hole in her head." (Voldseth)