In The News ...

Olympic Gold: I could be slightly off on timing but I believe NBC has already taped the Opening Ceremonies from Salt Lake City. (Mike Lupica ö NY Daily News)

Super Sonics: The Seattle Supersonics are expected to be sold to Starbucks mogul Howard Schultz. If so, their players will no longer be referred to as guards, forwards or centers but rather as 'short, tall, grande or venti.'

Burnt: Two airline passengers were burned, yesterday, by corrosive acid leaking from an overhead luggage compartment. Ironically, the same two passengers had been burned earlier on the flight when fifty-cents worth of cheap wine set them back four bucks. (Steve Voldseth)

Bush Talks: President Bush met with Canada's prime minister the other day. The new chief executive admires a country that has two official languages. English and Canadian. (Alan Ray)

Old Dude: French researchers on Tuesday unveiled what they believe is man's oldest known ancestor, at 6 million years old. * The press conference was attended by a large group of interested biologists, media, and a highly made-up Anna Nicole Smith. (Rosenberg)

Movie History: It was on this day in 1915 that the movie, "Birth of a Nation," premiered in Los Angeles. Or as it's better known as, "The Osmond Family Story." (Voldseth)

Engaged: It's been reported that 22 year-old WB star Nikki Cox and 38-year-old comedian Bobcat Goldthwait are engaged. It will be the first disastrous marriage for each of them. (Steve Voldseth)

Bush Travels: President Bush travels to Mexico. He won't touch on the subject of bilingual education. In his view, sexual preference is a private matter. (Ray)

Cambridge Speech: Officials at Cambridge University in England will not deny or confirm that Bill Clinton will give a series of lectures there. And that hammering you can hear? That's the sound of folks in Cambridge nailing down their furniture. (TOMS LAKE HUMOR COMPANY - http://www.tomslake.com)

This just in: The remainder of this season's XFL games have been canceled after millions of Americans tested positive for "not giving a crap." (Voldseth)

New Careers For Barbie and Ken: Mattel has announced plans this week, to produce an animated version of "The Nutcracker" featuring Ken and Barbie. No word on what part (the anatomically incorrect) Ken will play in the movie, but my guess is, it won't be the "Nutcrackee." (Voldseth)

Role Model: In an interview with a Swedish tabloid, Britney Spears says she is very excited about filming her very first movie next month. I believe the title of the movie is "Dude, Where's My Feet?" (Voldseth)